Drained

Have you ever heard of the spoon theory? It was a metaphor created by Christine Miserandino to help her friend understand the reality of living with a chronic illness. In her case, it was Lupus, but spoon theory has expanded to include many conditions, including what we call "invisible ailments". You know what I'm talking about... those conditions where the person outwardly looks healthy, but is suffering nonetheless. Neurodivergent people often use the spoon theory to explain their limitations. There is a debate regarding whether it is appropriate to pathologize autism. Some say that autism is simply a different way to process things. I agree with this point but feel it oversimplifies the reality of living with it. Those differences in processing information cause exhaustion. It makes me lose my skills. My anxiety spikes and I have to fight the urge to hide in a corner and cry and sleep for days. This is a disability. I fight it as hard as I can, sometimes to my detriment, by masking. But sometimes I push it too far, borrow too many future spoons, and completely lose steam.

That happened last week...

A lot has been going on at the same time. Work was very busy, my daughter took a week to recover. She lost 3 pounds that week, leaving me in an anxious state. I took her to the doctor because her recovery seemed to go in fits and starts. I had long meetings where I had to mask heavily. I heard once that for autistic people, interactions with heavy masking will be draining, even if the interaction was a success. I find this to be true. The more "normal" the other party is, the more careful I am. I have a checklist in my head of how to act:

1. Mirror their interests.

2. Make facial expressions, but without overcompensating.

3. Don't info dump but discuss enough to not be boring.

4. Use small talk when things seem awkward (the weather and general discussions on the day of the week work well here).

5. Use pauses to keep the conversation flowing and to allow the other party to end the interaction should the time be up.

6. Be human by discussing things that bother me, but make sure those things are in the other party's comfort zone (generic complaining about my kid being sick, bad weather, or small work annoyances work well here).

So many spoons are used in just one meeting 😅 So it comes as no surprise that last week I lost every last drop of motivation. Every tiny task was a mountain to overcome. I procrastinated, slacked off, and just couldn't feel at ease. This weekend I tried to start to work on it. I started reading two books to work on my focus. I made sure the books were enjoyable so that the action was a reward in itself. I started to exercise. To focus on the process. Dopamine levels are delicate and one way to balance things is to learn to enjoy the process of wholesome ways (exercise for example) to increase them. I (like many others), tend to lean to cheap dopamine thrills and I knew that I needed to do better to get my spoons back. The challenge is... how can a flaky woman who needs structure yet cannot form a habit to save her life (I'll tell you about my "addictions" later haha) create a sustainable routine designed to help her keep her spoons in balance? It's daunting. I keep feeling I cracked the code, but the damn code is always one crisis away from crumbling in the dust like all the others tried before. So... this is a WIP haha.

P.S. I want to info dump later on my thoughts on the Persona video game franchise (the psychology and mythology encoded in it are fascinating) but for now I'll add one of my fave songs from the series for today's song.