Focus!

I always loved when I see people who subvert expectations and show interests or traits that are "unexpected" for them. The programmer who had an art show. A retired teacher secretly collects Sanrio brand stationery. I often think that humans make up arbitrary rules about what should or should not be and I consider those rules boring and useless. We are humans. Full of wonderful complexity. Putting people into small boxes seems to be a lazy practice to help us use our "fast brain" more often than not. I am guilty of this too...

I also have a contradiction in my nature. I have many. I will readily admit that there is one contradiction that annoys the hell out of me though. I adore structure. I need it. Change is a scary thing to me. Changes in routine disconcert me. Inconsistencies between words and actions make my brain a chaotic mess, as I try to make it make sense of it and fail. But I also lack focus and often end up spending my days on whatever whim suddenly strikes me. This ends up with me meticulously crafting lists before throwing them to the wind. Googling ways to make a tool bend to whatever way I want to use it. I am a fierce advocate of Notion databases. I don't think this is a neurodivergent thing. Fangirling over Notion (hello, special interest) might be but other than that, I don't think it is.

I've read a massive amount of books about productivity and it seems pretty normal for people to try and give up on all the trendy frameworks and tools that promise to get us organized. Society demands us to value ourselves based on our output (I disagree with those demands). It's still annoying! My lists are so tidy and wonderful and when I'm flaky, I'm giving up on the structure I need to feel less anxious. I heard once that autistic people cannot form habits. It created a mild existential crisis in me. Like... Is this true? Do I have habits or is it more accurate that I have scripted routines? Is this why I flake out of day-to-day things?

Part of me wants to spend hours staring at the clouds and letting the hours pass with no idea as to what will come next. I remember my friends growing up teasing me as I constantly spaced out on them. There's another part of me though that frantically wants to absorb everything at the same time. I often end up hyper-fixated on one hobby or task for weeks on end, only to suddenly pivot to the next big thing. One week reading 3 books, only to not want to read for a month. Or knitting frantically, planning the next project, only to realize I'm over my knitting phase and barely finishing the current one. Sometimes I wish I had a better ability to target my focus as needed, instead of fragmenting my attention so much.