Hyperfixations

I guess as an ongoing effort to understand myself, I felt that my many hobbies might be a bit of a less treacherous ground to tread on to start, especially since I still am processing what happened last week and am still recovering. Hobbies are fun, no? I have many of them. I always had a busy brain that seemed eager to absorb anything and everything. It's like I am a sponge and I want to absorb the world. From the meaning of The Tower Tarot card to the entire discography of [whichever musician I'm obsessed with]. From knitting and purling to autolyzing dough, I have spent literal decades learning things for the sheer pleasure of it. Not to monetize or impress. But to explore the world. I do admit that most of my pursuits are fairly solitary. But I think that is because my special interests are meant not only to sate my curiosity but to calm me. It's been busy the past few years. I have a child, who is also neurodivergent. I have a husband, a home to care for, a job, and a small circle of friends. So even though I never stopped learning, and never stopped my hobbies, they tend to be snuck into little corners of my day and are not as immersive as when I was a young lady and I had fewer responsibilities and Silicon Valley hadn't learned the value of the almighty notification and its effect on dopamine. I would take a Saturday night, boot up Professor Layton on my DS, and spend hours in that world. In the music and puzzles and the charming art style. Or Pokemon, or a book, or a craft. My hobbies were a refuge when my friends noticed I was getting moody (more accurately, I was burning out from socializing, not moody, but that's another story).

So, I'm learning what worked for me before, why it's not working now, and trying to figure out how to reintroduce the soothing quality of a hobby/special interest, as opposed to it turning into another thing to do for duty. I'm working with my family so that I can have easier transitions after work. As it stands, my schedule overlaps, leaving no breathing room for quiet and leaving me in a state multiple times a week where I have to lay in the dark to take the edge off the anxiety. I'm hoping that just a tiny gap a few times a week will help and will report here in the next few weeks on how it went. I'm afraid since I am depressed it won't bring pleasure to start, but if I can... ever so slowly... heal. And enjoy things like:

• Lighting incense

• Opening windows on breezy days

• Drinking hot coffee

• Giving and receiving hugs

• Eating a home-baked treat

• Reading a new book from my favorite author

• Playing a fun JRPG

• Life...

If I can just... love those things again, I pray and hope that it means this darkness is lifting. I fear that I might sound emo writing these... But I think I need that space. I've spent decades saying: "I hate myself and I'm super depressed but some people have it worse". But instead of using that sentiment as a way to respect and honor others' pain, I treated it as a way to convince myself that I don't matter, my feelings don't matter, and my needs don't matter. I think I need to improve that. I love helping people and I'm a person, right? Last I checked I was anyway 😅

Anyway, I will sign off but I shall add below some of the fruits of my labor through the years.